Adult: "We really don't have time right now."
Child: "I WANT THAT ICE CREAM!"
Adult: "Please don't scream, we have to meet the family for dinner."
Child: "YOU NEVER GIVE ME WHAT I WANT. I WANT IT NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW! YOU ARE THE MEANEST EVER!!!"
Adult: "If I get you this ice cream you need to be so good during dinner."
Child: (miraculously calmed down with an angelic smile) "I will, I will!"
Me: WHAT?!?!?
This happens. I have seen it with my own two eyes. I try to just look away. However, that mom who is ignoring the screaming child on the ground, yet standing at a safe distance- yea, I want to run and give her a high five. No means no. If they learn that a bit of screaming will work, they will use that. Every single time. It is so hard to wait them out. SO HARD. But, so worth it in the long run.
I have been working with families for years. I started at age 12 as a mother's helper and graduated to babysitter by age 13. I have been babysitting ever since, and have morphed into a babysitter/consultant. Now that I have had my own classroom for a number of years, I have experience with preschoolers through grade one. I don't have children of my own, but I figure managing ten 3 and 4 year olds gives me some bit of ground to stand on. Not to mention, I have a BA in Psychology, with a concentration in Special and Elementary Education, a Masters in Special Education- concentration in Early Childhood, and a Sixth Year in Administration. The top questions I get from parents are always about behavior. Some have specific questions, while others have general, "what do I do now" situations. Overall, the best tip I can give is BE CONSISTENT and FOLLOW THROUGH. So many parents and caregivers fear telling a child "NO." Many children will throw themselves into a complete fit. It's ok. They will get over it.
Here is the top ten list of ideas that have never failed me:
1. Stand your ground. Kids bounce back quickly. They might be mad when you say no, but they won't be mad forever. They still love you- I promise. No means no. Follow through is so important!
2. What is the purpose? Think about WHY they are engaging in that behavior. If they are screaming for attention, ignore it. If they are whining to avoid putting away their toys, wait until they are calm- then be sure to have them put their toys away. (Please don't do it yourself and pretend that they helped!)
3. Reward the good. If they do put away their toys, tell them how proud you are, how fast they did it, or how they are an expert cleaner-upper. Even if this followed a tantrum, once they followed the direction, PRAISE.
4. Have fun. Make everything into a game if need be. If you are dealing with the competitive child, time them to see how much they can clean up in 30 seconds. Make it a race (as long as that will not end up with a sibling throw-down), or see how quietly they can do it. Pretend like you are not watching and shock can over take you with how quiet they competed their task. It sounds ridiculous, but the next time they need to do that task, they will go over the top to be sure you don't hear them!
5. Keep them busy. If children are busy and engaged, they are much less likely to get into trouble. Again, this is time consuming and hard work for the adult. It will be worth it having a fun day with your child/student.
6. Give choices. My secret weapon is giving them choices, both of which I might want them to do. "Do you want to walk your dish to the sink on your tip toes or stomping like a monster?" Either way- that dish is getting in the sink.
7. Be brief. Just tell them what you are going to do/need to do. You do not need to tell them that the family is waiting for them, that their friends are going to be waiting their turn, etc. The more talking you do during a meltdown, the more they are going to lose it.They will only hear you when they come out of the craziness that just happened in front of you.
8. Be clear. Tell they what you want them to do, not what they shouldn't do. They hear the last thing you say, so try and say it in the positive. For example, "Don't run in the hallways" can be "walk in the hallway." Or "Don't hit your sister" could be "keep your hands down, we keep our hands to ourselves."
9. Remove. If they engage in an unacceptable behavior, remove them from the positive situation. This means if they hit someone, they need to miss the next game. Negative behaviors should have consequences. The consequence should match the behavior. Consequences could be as simple as you now helping them if they wanted to do it by themselves.
10. Be proactive. Tell them you are going to the grocery store and you really want to get ice cream after. (It can be anything really motivating to the CHILD.) As you are walking through the store, comment on their calm body and remind them that this behavior really shows you that they want that reward at the end. This can be used on a field trip, at field day, on trips, etc. Bribery? I look at it as goal-setting!
Kids are funny. Laugh with them. Under-react. Most things are "NBD" (No big deal.)
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| I don't know where this originated. It was found on Pinterest and I laugh every time. |
If you are a mom in the Connecticut area- check out my friend Yazmin's Mommy Blog!
What works best for you?
Liz, loved this post! So TRUE, yet it is certainly a challenge for any teacher or parent to keep these tips in mind during a time of distress. It definitely takes practice and a lot of patience. For some, it comes more naturally.
ReplyDeleteI want to share a teaching memory comes to mind when reading this. One year I had very challenging student in my fourth grade class. He had a reputation for always getting in trouble and misbehaving. He was very creative, smart, and different than the average child. I knew I had my work cut out for me.
At the time he had an obsession with making these little clay figurines at home. He would bring a HUGE zip lock bag of them to school each day and they would often dominate his desk. During the school day I would often find him daydreaming as he played with these clay figurines in his desk. My initial reaction was to tell him to remove them immediately from his desk and put them away. I wanted to FORBID him from having them in school. However, I knew that I needed to make him an ally and not an enemy in order for the school year to be productive and successful for both of us.
I observed his behavior with the figurines for a bit and then quietly walked over to his desk. I remember he looked me straight in the eye ready to defend himself and his figurines. This was a student who didn’t back down and was used to getting his way.
I put a huge smile on my face and said, “WOW! Look at all of those awesome figurines! Did you make them?!”
He was shocked and happily replied, “Yes! “And then he proceeded to show me some of his favorite creations. I acknowledge how creative they were and then said, “They seem to be having a party in your desk! Look how happy they are! Look at those creatures dance! Such talented figurines you have! I bet they are learning so much being in school with you!”
The boy proceeded to laugh hysterically, looking at me with disbelief. I continued on and said, “You know what, they seem really uncomfortable in your desk.Look how crammed they are in there. Ouch! I really think they would love to keep the party going in your back pack! They can still hear the lessons from there. Your desk is crowded with so many books, and you have some work to do, I think it would be the best idea to tuck them at the top of your back pack for now. You can get them out during recess and continue the party. How we help them dance their way into their bag?”
With a smile on his face, together we tucked all the figures in their plastic bag and they remained in his back pack for the rest of the day.
From that day on, it was an on-going joke that the clay figurines were having a party in his backpack while we were working.
That year, I would often find little clay figurines sitting on my desk. I happen to love cows, and at the end of the year, I had a personal collection of cow clay figurines that this student would lovingly gift to me.
I was secretly relieved on how successful my approach was. I think of the saying, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” As teachers, WE learn the most from our challenging students!